Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day

...and your point is...?

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Monday, August 28, 2006

incipient concupiscence

It's never what you think it is.

Cathy's favorite dead horse to flog is that peculiarly ironic affliction of having too much. I will leave it to future scholars to determine what meaning, if any, there is in the popular myth that millions and billions of readers find this a sentiment that they can heartily identify with.

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

It is a tale told by an idiot

Absurdity is the brevity of wit

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Friday, August 25, 2006

Cathy Agonistes

Are plans in the works for a feature-length, animated, Big Budget Studio film version of "Cathy"? And, more importantly; is the world ready for it?

Mum's the word, apparently, amongst all who might be in the know. But, Tinsletown being what it is, what good is a secret if nobody knows what it is? Speculation is everywhere, like a spreading stain of spilled used car oil seeping into your $5,000 Persian hand-woven carpet. Buzz has it that our Cathy is going to be off on an exciting animated adventure, something befitting her status as whiniest, most insufferable, utterly annoying, pathetic and pitiful female cartoon character as measured by the latest Zogby Poll surveying comics readers across the lower 48. Someone on the inside has leaked out that it may be a "horror flick", though exactly what form this horror will take is unspecified. Undead Cathies and Irvings roaming the land hungering for living flesh in Night of the Living Cathies. Or perhaps a stray cloud of radioactive dust will give us The Incredible Shrinking Cathy, or by turns, Attack of the Fifty Foot Cathy. Or perhaps a blood-drinking Cathy-of-the-Night, a vampire a la Interview with the Cathy. Ooh. We're shivering in our booties. Any which way it turns out, we'll be sure to be left wanting even more Cathy; Cathy until we choke on it and die, that's what we say! Till next time...

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

We Regret to Announce

that this year's BadComiCon, which was to have been held next week, has been cancelled due to unforseen complications. The organizers of the event will supply a full refund for the ticket that was sold. Look for your Official Refund Check in the mail.

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

We Are Afraid

We are afraid that events have gone beyond our control. We are afraid to inform you. We are afraid that fear is not the only thing to be afraid of. We are afraid that things have come to such a pass. We are afraid that we have been right all along. We are afraid that nobody knows anything at all. We are afraid of Dada, Bauhaus, Neo-Platonic Quantum Surrealism, Scientology. We are afraid that cubist multimedia uber-art metamorphism, theater of the unkind. We are afraid, that we do not know how to make sense anymore. We are afraid, and that peanut and butter might never be said again in the same sentence, we are afraid, that we will win a MacArthur Genius Grant and then not be able to think of what to do with the money, we are afraid that not only is one religion right, but every single religion in the world that ever existed in human history is right, they are all right, every last one of them, and they will be right one at a time, so that we get to be nailed by every single one we didn't believe in, until everybody gets in their licks. You bet we are afraid.

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Monday, August 21, 2006

That was the Sunday that Wasn't

Satire is the sincerest form of disdain

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Saturday, August 19, 2006

It's a not wann

It's a not wanna write anything for the daily blog day sort of kind of day.

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Time Flies Like an Arrow, But Fruit Flies Like a Banana

I once OD'd on barbiturates in Washington Square Park, late at night, when I was attempting to run away from home. I was 14 years old. I was with two girlfriends, both of whom were also attempting to run away from home, but neither of whom OD'd because they hadn't been eating the pills like candy like I was, although one of them did pass out in a phone booth.

That's a true story; no punchline, no underlying irony, no humorous twist.

This message brought to you by "Confessional Bloggers International: More Than You Ever Wanted to Know"

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

Orange Julius

There was an Orange Julius on Times Square. That was along time ago. It means nothing now. But it's something I remember.

Orange Julius.

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

In Praise of Jargon

around the bend
over the edge
off his nut
got some wires crossed
mentally ill
taken leave of one’s senses
zoned out
out of one’s mind
slipped his gears
gone fishin’
out in left field
his train’s jumped the tracks
space cadet
flipped out
nut case
non compis mentis

loony tunes
lost their marbles
the lights are on but no one’s home
elevator goes all the way up but the doors don’t open
couple sandwiches short of a picnic
crazy as a shithouse rat
bats in the belfry
sick in the head
candidate for a rubber room
nutty as a fruitcake
mad as a hatter
missing a few screws
mentally disturbed
not running on all cylinders
A few bricks short of a load
not playing with a full deck
about a quart low
the cheese fell off his cracker
not all of his dogs are barking
needs to get his head examined
half a bubble off plumb
a few fries short of a Happy Meal

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

There is No Funny

There is no funny. Humor is passe. Laughter is an escape from grim reality. Jokes are feeble attempts to mollify distraught souls trapped in an existential conundrum of tragedy, pain and horror. Never again, will there ever be funny. How can you laugh? How can you smile at anything? Don't you realize? Never, never laugh again. It is forbidden. We are not here to be funny. We are here to be dismal, depressing, dolorous, and dollar-less. Do not be funny. Do not laugh. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect 200 make believe dollars. Do not. Never. that is all. That is all there ever is. There is no funny. No more.

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Monday, August 14, 2006

To the Victor Goes the Spoiled

Comic artists across the globe are protesting - lawyers say in vain - at the recent acquisition by Clear Channel Communications Corporation of many "visual shorthand" images previously believed to be in the public domain for those who draw cartoons and comic strips.

A spokesperson for Clear Channel has announced that forthwith, any artist using following images must now pay royalties to Clear Channel, which has trademarked them in it's corporate name:

  • Arched mouseholes
  • Desert Islands with a single palm tree
  • Robbers with eye masks
  • Prisoners with striped uniforms
  • Disk-shaped "Flying Saucers"
  • Light Bulbs over a character's head signifying an idea
  • Birds, Stars, and spirals over a character's head signifying being stunned
  • Asterisks, Pound Signs, Stars, Lightning Bolts, and other typeset characters signifying profanity
  • Speed Lines
  • "Stink" Squiggles
  • Floating Hearts to signify love or affection
  • "X'd" Eyes to signify dead or unconscious characters
  • Clouds of Dust with arms and legs protruding to signify physical combat
  • Asymmetrical "spinning" circles to signify running feet
  • Bags with $ signs on them to signify "sacks of loot"
  • Balls and Chains to signify anything
  • Saguero Cacti to indicate a desert landscape
  • Large domed openings in hillsides to indicate cave doorways
  • Berets to indicate Frenchmen; Sombrero's to indicate Mexicans; Stetsons to indicate Cowboys; Toques to indicate Chefs; Eyeshades to indicate Accountants, Fedoras to indicate Gangsters, or Dunce Caps to indicate Idiots.
Clear Channel lawyers insist that violators of the corporation's trademark holdings will result in swift and severe legal action. Artists wishing to use any of these trademarked images can go to the company's website to download the appropriate payment and permission forms, though they are also advised to retain their own legal counsel to insure that their purchased right to use said images are properly processed, or, again; lawyers for Clear Channel warn that legal action will be taken.

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Sunday, August 13, 2006

“Cathy” Cartoons Implicated in Bulimic “Pro-ana” Rings of Teenage Girls: Parents and School Officials Shocked

A strange and disturbing epidemic has been sweeping the seemingly placid suburban lives of families with young teenage girls who, unbeknownst to their parents, have been indulging in an unusual form of substance abuse in their quest to lose more weight than any of their peers.

In earlier generations, girls would use emetic substances such as Syrup of Ipecac to facilitate the bulimic “binge and purge” behavior, by which girls could appear to be eating regularly to their parents while secretly inducing vomiting later to avoid gaining weight from the healthy meals provided at home.

But today’s parents never suspected that their young daughters’ sudden, and sometimes obsessive, interest in the comic strip “Cathy”, written and drawn by artist Cathy Guisewite, was actually not an interest in the cartoonist’s gentle humor, but a part of a dark and dangerous pursuit of what has become known as the “pro-ana”, or pro-anorexic, lifestyle of these disturbed youngsters.

“I never would have guessed” said Mrs. Mary Postelwaite-Winterbotham, whose two teenage daughters, Muffy and Buffy, were both hospitalized last week suffering from sever malnutrition and dangerously low concentration levels of blood saline.

“I mean, I understand how social pressures can lead a young girl to this sort of extreme dieting,” Mrs. Postelwaite-Winterbotham said, “and had I seen the normal signs; say, empty laxative boxes or bottles of Ipecac around, I might have become suspicious. After all, I used those things myself when I was 14. But this... I never would have guessed in a million years.”

What Mrs. Postelwaite-Winterbotham was referring to is the new and apparently wide-spread behavior of groups of teenage girls getting together, and reading numerous collections of “Cathy” cartoons until the accumulated stress of their stultifying and mind-numbing humorlessness causes them to begin vomiting uncontrollably, purging all food eaten within the past few hours and preventing them from gaining any weight as a result of taking in sustenance.

“Reading “Cathy” has always made me sick” Mrs. Postelwaite-Winterbotham added. “But I guess I never allowed myself to read more than one four-panel strip a day. I should have known that reading pages of it at a time would be enough to make one puke their guts out.”

School official are reporting that they are confiscating library-sized caches of “Cathy” cartoons from students, in an effort to stem the tide of this new and dangerous eating disorder. At Rudolph Valentino High School in the posh Los Angeles suburb of Santa Clitoris, school administrators have reported becoming severely ill just flipping through the pages of confiscated “Cathy” collections.

“I read only three pages of an illegal “Cathy” collection,” said Assistant Principal Hazel Dysworthy, “and I spent the next three days in violent gastric distress. This is a dangerous substance these kids are abusing.”

Muffy Postelwaite-Winterbotham, speaking from her sickbed at the private Pee Wee Herman Rehabilitation Clinic, summed it up this way:

“It started out as just an easy way to purge dinner. But soon we were reading “Cathy” day and night, and making ourselves so sick that we couldn’t even drink water. It sneaks up on you. First you throw up a few times from three or four “Cathy can’t make up her mind” strips, and the next thing you know, you’re going for the heavy stuff: Sunday color spreads that have you barfing before you even finish the first two panels.”

When asked what parents can do to prevent their children from experiencing what she has gone through, her answer was simple:

“Find every Cathy cartoon and book in the house,” she said dismally, “and burn them. Burn them all.”

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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Ground Control to Major Tom...

Transcript provided courtesy Puckwaller Media Corp., Inc. L.L.C., N.G.O., ©2006 all rights left

Q: We’re pleased to have as our guest on Quiddity this evening the obscure and enigmatic post-modern internet performance artist known as “Anastasia”. Welcome to the show.

A: Uh-huh

Q: So, What was it that attracted you to becoming an internet performance artist?

A: None of your fucking business.

Q: (laughs) Yes, well, that’s very post-modern of you, I must say. Now, I understand that your latest project is a parody of the famous comic strip, “Cathy”, by Cathy Guisewite.

A: “Parody”?

Q: Yes, Satire. Humor.

A: I have no sense of humor.

Q: Well, you are making satirical parodies of the comic strip, are you not?

A: I like to think of it as spewing seething bile out for all to see.

Q: Well, it may be angry satire, but it’s still humor.

A: I have no sense of humor. I just so happen to be fortunate that venomous rage, abject hopelessness and raw, bitter despair is what passes for “funny” these days.

Q: I see. Hence the “post-modern”

A: If you will.

Q: But although your current work is desecrating and disrespecting someone else’s art, you yourself are an artist in your own right.

A: (laughs bitterly)

Q: Well, you are, I’ve seen some of your work; it is online. You have galleries of both hand drawn and photographic art, several poems and short stories, and even a graphic novel that you write and draw yourself.

A: Yes. My mother keeps saying to me, “Why don’t you get a real job”, and I keep telling her, “Mother, I don’t even have a fake job; I don’t have a job at all. How do you think I’d manage to waste so much time on frivolous nonsense if I had to go to work every day?”

Q: But you have had regular jobs in your life, yes?

A: How did you think I accumulated so much venomous rage, abject hopelessness and raw, bitter despair?

Q: Well, there’s the terrible unfairness of life, the searing agony of loss and shattered dreams, the deep, existential sorrow of being in a world devoid of meaning or purpose...

A: Well, yeah; that too.

Q: And then, there are those who would argue that making art is not frivolous nonsense.

A: They probably don’t have mothers telling them to get real jobs all the time.

Q: Ah - that’s that post-modernism coming out in you again, isn’t it?

A: You know what’s “Post-Modern”? “Re-inventing” yourself is post-modern. People who take “People”magazine seriously is post-modern. Soy Milk is post-modern. Writing fictional novels whose characters are real historical figures is post-modern. Watching 1950's sitcoms on cable tv and thinking you’re enjoying yourself is post-modern.

Q: I see. So, do you consider yourself “cutting edge”, or “so last year”?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And what is it you hope to get out of this?

A: Hits.

Q: Excuse me?

A: Hits. Lots and lots of hits. “Hits” are the coin of the realm in cyberspace. I want to be filthy rich.

Q: And is your “Cathy Parody Project” getting a lot of hits?

A: I’m averaging about twelve a day. I suppose that makes my readership either a select elite who are “in the know”, or a clueless handful with nothing better to do with themselves.

Q: Maybe you could appeal to them to spread the word about your “Cathy” Blog.

A: No, I don’t think so. That would be crass, manipulative, and disingenuous. I have my artistic integrity to worry about. To ask my small readership to tell others who might derive some intellectual or emotional benefit from reading my blog, or to request that they make the effort to link me or make any other kind of effort to make others aware of what I’m doing, that would smack of cheap self-aggrandizement and pathetic pandering. I could never do such a thing.

Q: Well, I admire your dedication to artistic purity, if nothing else. One last question before we go. Is there a secret to your ability to tap into the pulse of the Zeitgeist, to apprehend the Weltschmertz, to draw from the wellspring of the collective archetypal reservoir, and to resonate at the frequency of the Mystic Masters of Old?

A: Yes.

Q: Well, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. Thank you for coming, and best of luck in your endeavors. Until next time, this is “Q” for Quiddity, signing off.

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Friday, August 11, 2006

My Mistress' Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun...

Organizers of the world's first Miss Ugly Fucking Pig Pageant say that the response - from both potential paticipants as well as corporate sponsors - has been overwhelming beyond their wildest dreams.

"We actually just started this thing to get easy sex from ugly, insecure women," said Biff Jockarelli, one of the pageant's organizers. "But we had no idea that there were so many chicks out there who feel they qualify as ugly fucking pigs."

Mr. Jockarelli and his co-organizers started out their enterprise with a banner ad on the online 'zine Slagg, but the response was so enthusiastic that they soon were running an official website for the pageant, and having to screen up to 400 applicants per day.

Things really took off when Budweiser Breweries signed on as a major sponsor of the event, and began developing an ad campaign that would run concommitantly with the three-day pageant, "Fuck an Ugly, Drunk Bitch Tonight". Soon after, Revlon Cosmetics also signed on, with their ad campaign, "Ugly Fucking Pig No More" already running in major Cable TV and magazine markets. Other sponsors quickly followed, including Nike Shoes, Burger King, and Goodyear Tires.

Although the venue for the pageant has yet to be decided on, organizers say that Las Vegas, Hollywood, and Fort Lauderdale are all being seriously considered.

"Bascially it comes down to which city can supply us with the best dope and escort services," said Mr. Jockarelli. "After all, we're only in this to get stoned and laid."

After a moment's consideration, he added, "And to make a fuckload of money, too, of course. "

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

(Cue the sappy music)... I Dreamed I Had An Interview With God...

So, you would like to interview me?, God asked

If you have the time, I said

God scowled

Well, you’ll have to make it quick. I have a shitload of fetuses to deform, and I’m running behind. What do you want to know?

Well... all the pain and suffering in the world... all the seeming unfairness and needless hurt and harm... God: is there some meaning, some purpose to it all that will make it seem, in the end, somehow worth having endured it?

No. Next question?

What surprises you most about humankind?

That in spite of everything, they’re still ready and willing to kiss my ass. Anything else?

What about Death, God? What really happens to us after we die?

You really want to know right now? That could be arranged....

Ah, umm, no, that’s okay, I can wait.

God scratched his butt

And we were silent awhile

And then I asked

As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?

Buy low – sell high...
You can’t get to heaven on roller skates
And time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Thank you for your time, I said humbly. Although, God; why do I feel like I've just wasted my precious time trying to talk to you?

God smiled and said

Do you know what the agony of malignant, metastasized liver cancer is like?

No, I said

Well, you’re about to find out, said God.


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The Celery Stalks at Midnight

TPCN - The Pagan Cable Network


12 noon: Midday News with Beowulf and Owlheart

- Special feature: “The Pushers in Your Neighborhood” - Sidewalk evangelists are no longer just an inner city problem. How to protect you and your family.

1:00 pm: The Pandora Starshine Show (daytime talk)

- Today: Militant, Abortion-Clinic Bombing, Snake-Handling, Flesh-Mortifying, Doomsday-Preaching, Gay-Bashing, Pagan-Hating Christian Cult teens, and the parents who fear for their lives.

2:00 pm: Edge of the Millenium (daytime drama)

- Morgana is held prisoner by a pair of psychotic Jehovah’s Witnesses; Merlin’s Pagan Publishing is in danger of a hostile takeover by Christian Coloring Books; Detective Brigit McCool comes another step closer to tracking down the renegade priest cult, Sons of the Apocalypse.

3:00 pm: Coyote Brubeck (daytime talk)

- Today: Mixed marriages. Wiccans married to lapsed Catholics duke it out with their in-laws.

4:00 pm: After School Special: “Return of the Witch-Burners” (movie)

- The teens of Rowan Grove save the town from a new Inquisition

5:30 pm: My Mother The Icon (comedy)

- When Freddys’ mother is reincarnated as a statue of the Virgin Mary, he has to explain to his covens’ High Priest why there is a Catholic Shrine in the TV room. (Pilot Episode).

6:00 pm: Buffy the Baptist Slayer (drama)

- On the eve of the Junior Prom, Buffy’s best friend is abducted by the Born-Agains, intent on converting her to the minions of the Undead.

7:00 pm: Barbara, the Teenage Catholic (comedy)

- Laughs ensue when Barbara has to answer to accusations of cheating on her Math finals when, in answer to a prayer, Jesus slips into the classroom and does her entire test for her, giving her a perfect score.

7:30 pm: All in the Coven (comedy)

- The Banquo household is turned upside down when that lovable pagan bigot, Acheron, seethes like a cauldron after Eden welcomes the new Presbyterians next door and invites them over for dinner.

8:00 pm: The X-tian Files (drama)

- When the residents of a small remote village begin crucifying themselves with nail-guns, agents Cinnabar and Patchouli suspect a cabal of spirit-filled Baptists casting evil prayers upon the townspeople.

9:00 pm: Movie: The Denomination (Horror)

- Four young girls dabble in Christianity, with predictably horrific results. (Not recommended for children)

11:30 pm: Late News

- Wrap-up of the day’s events. Correspondance tables for Sun degree, Moon phase, candle color and herb for tomorrow’s circles.

Midnight: Invocationette

- HP Diana Moonchild casts a circle for the night.


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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Relief for the Weary

For those of you who maintain daily blogs, and find that sometimes the pressure to come up with yet another interesting or witty thing to say is a bit too much, I have the perfect solu

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Monday, August 07, 2006

For Every Drop of Rain that Falls, A flower Grows

Surfing across the 'Net, I came across this bit of folksy wisdom:

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott
Copyright © 1998 by Bottom Line Underwriters, Inc.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Upon reading this, I realized that a great evil has been unleashed on the world, and that I must set things aright by publishing The Truth. Don't bother to thank me. Just knowing I might touch someone with this is payment enough.

Herewith, therefore, are the

Real Ten Rules for Being Human

1. You will be stuck in a body. No matter how well you treat it, it will get weak, ugly, rotten and decrepit on you. Sorry; no substitutions allowed.

2. You will learn lessons. Most of them will be painful. When you learn enough of them, you will finally understand the meaning of life. And then you will die.

3. There are no mistakes. There are, however, massive, irreversible, and devastating fuckups. Expect lots and lots of these.

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. And so on until you drop dead.

5. Learning lessons does not end. This means that you will experience the pain and anguish of those lessons as long as you are alive. So get used to it.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." “Here” is no better a place than “Hell”. Are you starting to get the idea?

7. Some will tell you that if you hate someone, you are simply hating something that you hate in yourself. This is bullshit. If you hate someone, it is probably because they are an asshole. Don’t think things are more complex than that. It’ll just give you a headache.

8. Some will tell you that what you make of your life is up to you. This is a fucking lie. Life is not something you “make”. Life is something that is inflicted upon you. You have no control whatsoever. Don’t kid yourself.

9. Some will tell you that the answers to life's questions lie within you. If you really think that’s true, try looking within the next time you get fired from a job or evicted from an apartment. Or don’t have enough money to pay for a little food. Then put some ketchup on the answer you get and have it for lunch.

10. Like most idiots on this planet, you will refuse to believe any of this is true. Don’t worry about it. Whether you believe it or not, you will suffer, get sick, lose everything and everyone that is close to you, and die an agonizing death. Keeping that in mind, try to enjoy yourself anyway.


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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Non-Cathy Interlude

A big thumbs-up and high-five to this week's Sunday Marmaduke: without a doubt a shoe-in for this year's award for Best Seamless Blending of Animal Instinct and Anthropomorphism in a Comic. Brad Anderson must be watching a lot of Animal Planet When Animals Go Apeshit programming.

Waytogo, Brad!!! Keep up the good work, Chief!

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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Where are the Snowdens of Yesteryear?

Exhibit A: in Guisewite v. Golf Club Anti-Defamation League.

And you though you were kinky. Give it up.

Take this strip as a warning. You do not, ever, want to run into Cathy Guisewite in a dark alleyway.

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Mother is the Invention of Necessity

Word through the grapevine has it that the latest deperate move to save rapidly failing comic strips is to combine the power of two or more cartoonists to create hybrid strips that will carry twice the funny power as each one alone.

Among these Chimeras, look for Beetle the Horrible; Blondie and Lois, Little Orphan Garfield, For Better or For B.C., and Cathy the Menace.

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

This Then, is my Dream

...for is it not the pinnacle, the crowning apotheosis, the shining ultimato, of creative achievement and artistic validation, to procure, sine qua non, a contract with an esteemed federal agency, and to help promote it for the good of all mankind and the welfare of the commonweal, all the while earning already well-earned tax dollars in the process?

Next week: Cathy goes to Baghdad, and can't decide what pattern of camo to put on her Humvee.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

We now return you to our regularly scheduled catastrophe

Dean Rochtelschofften, director and founder

Summer Semester 2006
Schedule: Courses, Seminars and Retreats

Welcome to another wonderful and enlightening season at the Quiddity Institute for Holistic Studies. Our mission statement is to provide the highest quality spiritual experiences money can buy, and your overwhelming response has made that more than possible.

with Frog Bettleheim

Join us as we journey back into the dim reaches of a time when great sages trod the earth like buffalo on the plains. In those slower, more contemplative days, the Enlightened Ones reaffirmed their connection with Great Mother Earth every day, in as simple an act as walking on their own two feet. Under the wise direction of Zen Walker Frog Bettleheim, we shall set forth across grassy fields and through wooded groves, traveling in much the same manner as did Jesus, Buddha, and other Enlightened spirits of those centuries-old ages gone by.

course # 1000099
cost: $295, Friday Only
$400 Entire Weekend

NOTE: To enhance our experience of Zen Walking, Frog Bettelheim, in conjunction with Nike (TM) Sneakers, is making available to all participants the Special Edition Zen Sandals

With Swami Sri Ben Scyczinski, MBA

To paraphrase that ancient nugget of zen wisdom: “Buy low, sell high - Become enlightened - Buy low, sell high”. Zen Stockbroker Swami Sri Ben Scyczinski shows us, in his life-affirming and wisdom-saturated way, how becoming Enlightened transforms the mundane act of doing a stock split on a triple witching day into a metaphor for the very act of Creation itself; a connection with the deepest mysteries of the universe, and makes the trader a conduit for the Pure White Light of Universal, Unconditional Love.

Course # 550122
Cost: $1200, or $750 in Blue Chip options

with Baba Ram Ram

We are proud and honored to be able to present his Enlightenedness: the former Harvard Professor Tom MacIntyre, Baba Ram Ram. For the second year running, Ram - best known as the author of the seminal sixties psychedelic manifesto, Be There Then - will bring his gentle wisdom and profound profundity to our campus at Quiddity.

Last year, students at Quiddity were reporting miraculous transformations just by being in the presence of Baba Ram, including the spontaneous curing of hangnails, the resolution of pre-birth trauma, and anaphylactic trance states. Don’t miss your opportunity to partake of this truly exceptional Spiritual person.

(NOTE: Reserve your spot in this offering early; we guarantee that the weekend will fill up very quickly. In order to accommodate demand for this course, we will be providing a special three-hour closed circuit television broadcast of Baba Ram’s presence. If you are shut out of the course, you will be placed on the list for the closed circuit broadcast)

course # 9090909
cost: $1500, Weekend Seminar (No single days available, sorry)
$395, Special three-hour closed circuit presence broadcast

with Nefertiti Schwartz

Are you a good witch, or a bad witch? You’ll know the answer after this fulfilling and uplifting seminar in White Witchcraft by renowned Wiccan and “Official Witch of Burkettsville, MD”, Nefertiti Schwartz. This four-day seminar will plainly lay out the differences between White Magic and Black, as well as Schwartz’ own system of practice; Rainbow Magic (TM), and the Rainbow Magic (TM) Seminars. Also included will be Practical Magic tips, such as where to find to quality Athames at wholesale prices, why a good scrying mirror will save you money in the long run, and the best public places for skyclad rituals. So grab your pentacles and join us for a fun and enlightening time.

NOTE: Nefertiti Schwartz will also be holding a special Spells workshop (additional tuition required). This will include Schwartz’ popular “Fifteen Ways to Get Around the Rede”. The cost of materials will be included in the tuition.

Course # 1313131313
Cost: $600

Course # 00000021
Cost: $350 (Includes herbs, incense, essential oils, candles, and goats)

With Howard BlueBear Rosencrantz

In the days of the Grandfathers, a Vision Quest required stamina, fortitude, an intense desire for union with the Great Spirit, and a remote place that took days to get to in arduous travel. At Quiddity, we recreate this grueling but life-changing experience on our own Vision Quest Island, which lies hidden in the mists in the center of Quiddity’s ten-acre lake. Using the wisdom and knowledge gained on his own Vision Quest in the Jersey Pine Barrens, best selling author Howard BlueBear Rosencrantz takes us on a journey to the center of the soul, where the Gods can speak to us and tell us amazing and enlightening things. A signed Certificate of Visions will be awarded at the end of each Vision Quest.

Course# 15
Cost: $800 (Includes cost of certificate)

With Annie Tinkle

Who says Enlightenment has to be dull? Former Adult Film star-turned-Spiritual Feminist-and-Tantric Love Goddess Annie Tinkle brings her erotic whimsy to Quiddity for the first time. Connecting to her spiritual roots through such enlightened women as the Vestals and the Sacred Prostitutes of Kali, Tinkle explicitly shows us that she is the embodiment of the Fertility Goddess, the living link between the Life Force and Eros, the numenosis of ecstatic arousal from which the light of knowledge springs forth to quicken the pulse of the Great Mother Gaia. Special Personal Counseling sessions will be available in the back room after the seminar.

(The seminar is not open to minors, sorry. Child care will be made available.)

Cost: $550
$300 Special Personal Counseling Session

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Cathy Agonistes

Are plans in the works for a feature-length, animated, Big Budget Studio film version of "Cathy"? And, more importantly; is the world ready for it?

Mum's the word, apparently, amongst all who might be in the know. But, Tinsletown being what it is, what good is a secret if nobody knows what it is? Speculation is everywhere, like a spreading stain of spilled used car oil seeping into your $5,000 Persian hand-woven carpet. Buzz has it that our Cathy is going to be off on an exciting animated adventure, something befitting her status as whiniest, most insufferable, utterly annoying, pathetic and pitiful female cartoon character as measured by the latest Zogby Poll surveying comics readers across the lower 48. Someone on the inside has leaked out that it may be a "horror flick", though exactly what form this horror will take is unspecified. Undead Cathies and Irvings roaming the land hungering for living flesh in Night of the Living Cathies? Or perhaps a stray cloud of radioactive dust will give us The Incredible Shrinking Cathy, or by turns, Attack of the Fifty Foot Cathy? Or perhaps a blood-drinking Cathy-of-the-Night, a vampire a la Interview with the Cathy? Ooh. We're shivering in our booties. Any which way it turns out, we'll be sure to be left wanting even more Cathy; Cathy until we choke on it and die, that's what we say! Till next time...

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Interstitial Exegesis

Just in case you were wondering. It's like, an existential, dadaist, pseudo-bauhaus phenomenon, coming soon to a food court near you. Collect them all and be eligible to win, no substitutions or transfers allowed. Void where prohibited, please check your local laws.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

I have come up with the perfect solution for dealing with the stress of having to come up with a witty blog entry every day.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

At the Sofa of Madness

Ah! The three-lobed burning eye! It watches me, even as I write th

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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Mrs. Solemnus

Apparently, violence broke out at the 119th Nothern Tier summertime Philosopher's Conference at Lake George, NY, when two bitterly opposed factions came head to head during the panel discussion "What is Life?"

One group, headed up by the traditionalist Dr. Gordon Pffeuffeullhuffer, insisted that there was no reason to modify the generally accepted dictum that life is just a bowl of cherries. However, the other faction, led by notorious philosophical upstart Dr. Helen Abercrombie-Fitch, chose the panel to vociferously advance their proposition that life is more accurately described as a box of chocolates.

Verbal abuse and vulgarities soon descended into out and out physical warfare between the two groups. Although the organizers of the events attempted to breach a rapproachment by suggesting that life might be regarded henceforth as a box of chocolate covered cherries, their efforts were either unacceptable, or simply proffered too late to stem the bloody tide that washed over the conference and forced it's unfortunately untimely end.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Interdepartmental Memo #414

The SF writer Philip Dick, author of much speculative fiction wherein things are often not what they seem to be, was once asked to give a definition of "reality".

What he said was the now oft-quoted line "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

He was only half right.

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

History in the Making

Anticipation and excitement is building as we near the date for BadComiCon; the world's first comics convention devoted entirely to Bad Comics; pathetic art, lame humor, lack of originality and affront to artistic integrity. We expect the inaugural year to be a rousing success.

In case you've been living in a closet for the past six months, let us remind you that this year's venue will be the up-and-coming community of Slagpile, Nevada; home of the largest open pit molibdinum mine in the world. Accomodations are at the swank Gheasley's Motor Court, where we can proudly announce that the source of the seepage of raw sewage into the pool has been pinpointed and is expected to be fully corrected by Convention Weekend. The convention proper will be held in the spacious "back room" of the Rack-em-Up Billiards and Pool Parlor on West Main Street, and "Artists' Alley" will be, appropriately enough, in the alleyway behind the "Convention Center", to take full advantage of the warm, sunny weather of the Nevada Desert at this time of year.

The featured speaker and panelist list is too numerous to list in its entirety, but a representative sampling would be Jim Davis (Garfield), Brad Anderson (Marmaduke) , and George Gately (Heathcliff), who will sit on a panel discussion of "Animals in Bad Comics"; and Brian Walker, Greg Walker, Chance Brown, Dean Young and Jeff Keane (Hi and Lois; Beetle Bailey; Hagar the Horrible; Blondie, and The Family Circus) on a panel discussing the responsibility of inheriting a father's bad comic and having to maintain its low quality and lack of creativity while trying to emulate their fathers' mediocre art.

The keynote speaker will be none other than Cathy Guisewite (Cathy), although the topic of her keynote address has yet to be released. All of the attending artists will be present for a mass ridicule and villification session, after which the convention's "Golden Pisspot" awards will be given out.

As of this date, none of the featured guest artists have yet to confirm their attendance, but those of you wishing to attend are warned not to wait until the last minute; reservations for the twelve rooms at Gheasley's Motor Court are expected to fill up fast. In the case of overflow, negotiations are being held for extra accomodations at the Slagpile VFW Hall, so don't worry about not having a place to stay.

Stay tuned for further announcements as the date draws nearer. Happy Bad Comic reading, and see you at the convention!

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Welcome to Kali Ma's Funhouse.

Realizing that their once-fertile fields of humor have long since gone dry and fallow, several comic strips are reportedly taking a radical approach to re-visioning and re-invigorating their sadly anemic content.

Hagar the Horrible will soon be retitled Hagar the Berserker, and, with a new, hyper-realistic 3-D style, will feature graphic eviscerations, impalings, and defenestrations. Look for Hamlet and Honi to begin a hot, steamy, incestuous, and yet still family-friendly, affair.

Beetle Bailey, taking a cue from the 1990 cult film Jacob's Ladder, will feature the men of Camp Swampy shipped out to the Middle East, where, after being dosed with a powerful psychoactive substance that incites brutal and mindless bloodlust, will make an incursion deep into the bowels of the rogue nation-state of Terroristlandia.

Blondie will be leaving the newspaper comics page, and, posted at a subscription-only website, will, under the title Suburban Slut, feature the erstwhile Mrs. Bumstead frantically collecting sexual adventures with the likes of postal worker Mr. Beasley and wealthy industrialist Mr. Dithers. The newly refurbished strip will kick off with a drug-addled three-way between Blondie and neighbors Herb and Tootsie Woodley.

Rumors that the long-running strip Garfield will be ending with a grand finale of Odie contracting rabies from a sick bat and becoming a frothing, red-eyed killing machine are unsubstantiated.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

and the beat goes on...

Is there any truth to the rumor that famed arch-cartoonist Windsor McKay actually foresaw the advent of Cathy by including a character nearly identical to the one we know and love today in a particularly gruesome nightmare episode of Dreams of the Rarebit Fiend, one that so horrified newpaper editors that they refused en masse to even publish it, and that was later said to have been the inspirational source for none other than reclusive New England writer Howard Phillips Lovecraft, who once claimed (under the influence of a particularly potent brew of Absinthe) that this proto-Cathy character was what gave him the seed of what became his infamous Cthulu Mythos?

Experts are divided on the conclusion. Extant copies of what has become known as the Rarebit Cathy-Fiend Codex are not known to exist, save for strange and persistent legends of pages of them, bound in human skin, and considered so disturbing that simply laying eyes upon them can drive the reader to opiate addiction, glossolalia, and stark raving lunacy.

Calls to the Antiquities Library at Miskatonic University for confirmation have not yet been returned.

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Day Two

Am I on a roll yet? How many days constitutes a "roll", I wonder? Why aren't there gossip rags for our favorite comic characters? Don't they deserve to have their private lives ripped open and served to the public like the steaming entrails of some sacrifical beast? Why only "living" humans? There's something vaguely discriminatory about all of this. I hope Cathy appreciates what I'm doing. "I'm a real imaginary person," she said. "What do I have to do to get noticed by People, or Us, or We, or Star magazine?" Don't worry Cathy. We're working on it.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

And so it begins....

Thanks be to those of you who convinced me to go ahead and post these little tidbits online for the internet at large to enjoy. I started doing these as a personal sort of therapy; desecrating something wholly deserving of my disdain is a great pasttime of mine, and has been since my early days in this incarnation. The only thing that has really changed is that my humor is just a little more bitter (due to a lifetime of disillusionment and disappointment with the nature of reality), and my technical skill at this has been hugely enhanced by the advent of Photoshop. I've come a long way from using an ink eraser to white out pertinent parts of a drawing or photograph to replace with graffitti of mine own.

I will do my best to fly below the radar, as it were, and stay out of the gunsights of slap-happy lawyers looking to crush a simple and honest trashing of someone's excreable art. However, do feel free to share this website with those whom you think will appreciate my humble and meanspirited efforts. We'll run this ship as long as she floats.

I figure I'll play it just like the pros: one comic a day.

I'd like to thank you for being here. Without you, there wouldn't be... well... yes, actually, there would be. But no matter. I'm glad you stopped by.


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