Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Welcome to Kali Ma's Funhouse.

Realizing that their once-fertile fields of humor have long since gone dry and fallow, several comic strips are reportedly taking a radical approach to re-visioning and re-invigorating their sadly anemic content.

Hagar the Horrible will soon be retitled Hagar the Berserker, and, with a new, hyper-realistic 3-D style, will feature graphic eviscerations, impalings, and defenestrations. Look for Hamlet and Honi to begin a hot, steamy, incestuous, and yet still family-friendly, affair.

Beetle Bailey, taking a cue from the 1990 cult film Jacob's Ladder, will feature the men of Camp Swampy shipped out to the Middle East, where, after being dosed with a powerful psychoactive substance that incites brutal and mindless bloodlust, will make an incursion deep into the bowels of the rogue nation-state of Terroristlandia.

Blondie will be leaving the newspaper comics page, and, posted at a subscription-only website, will, under the title Suburban Slut, feature the erstwhile Mrs. Bumstead frantically collecting sexual adventures with the likes of postal worker Mr. Beasley and wealthy industrialist Mr. Dithers. The newly refurbished strip will kick off with a drug-addled three-way between Blondie and neighbors Herb and Tootsie Woodley.

Rumors that the long-running strip Garfield will be ending with a grand finale of Odie contracting rabies from a sick bat and becoming a frothing, red-eyed killing machine are unsubstantiated.

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