Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Celery Stalks at Midnight

TPCN - The Pagan Cable Network


12 noon: Midday News with Beowulf and Owlheart

- Special feature: “The Pushers in Your Neighborhood” - Sidewalk evangelists are no longer just an inner city problem. How to protect you and your family.

1:00 pm: The Pandora Starshine Show (daytime talk)

- Today: Militant, Abortion-Clinic Bombing, Snake-Handling, Flesh-Mortifying, Doomsday-Preaching, Gay-Bashing, Pagan-Hating Christian Cult teens, and the parents who fear for their lives.

2:00 pm: Edge of the Millenium (daytime drama)

- Morgana is held prisoner by a pair of psychotic Jehovah’s Witnesses; Merlin’s Pagan Publishing is in danger of a hostile takeover by Christian Coloring Books; Detective Brigit McCool comes another step closer to tracking down the renegade priest cult, Sons of the Apocalypse.

3:00 pm: Coyote Brubeck (daytime talk)

- Today: Mixed marriages. Wiccans married to lapsed Catholics duke it out with their in-laws.

4:00 pm: After School Special: “Return of the Witch-Burners” (movie)

- The teens of Rowan Grove save the town from a new Inquisition

5:30 pm: My Mother The Icon (comedy)

- When Freddys’ mother is reincarnated as a statue of the Virgin Mary, he has to explain to his covens’ High Priest why there is a Catholic Shrine in the TV room. (Pilot Episode).

6:00 pm: Buffy the Baptist Slayer (drama)

- On the eve of the Junior Prom, Buffy’s best friend is abducted by the Born-Agains, intent on converting her to the minions of the Undead.

7:00 pm: Barbara, the Teenage Catholic (comedy)

- Laughs ensue when Barbara has to answer to accusations of cheating on her Math finals when, in answer to a prayer, Jesus slips into the classroom and does her entire test for her, giving her a perfect score.

7:30 pm: All in the Coven (comedy)

- The Banquo household is turned upside down when that lovable pagan bigot, Acheron, seethes like a cauldron after Eden welcomes the new Presbyterians next door and invites them over for dinner.

8:00 pm: The X-tian Files (drama)

- When the residents of a small remote village begin crucifying themselves with nail-guns, agents Cinnabar and Patchouli suspect a cabal of spirit-filled Baptists casting evil prayers upon the townspeople.

9:00 pm: Movie: The Denomination (Horror)

- Four young girls dabble in Christianity, with predictably horrific results. (Not recommended for children)

11:30 pm: Late News

- Wrap-up of the day’s events. Correspondance tables for Sun degree, Moon phase, candle color and herb for tomorrow’s circles.

Midnight: Invocationette

- HP Diana Moonchild casts a circle for the night.


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