Monday, July 31, 2006

I have come up with the perfect solution for dealing with the stress of having to come up with a witty blog entry every day.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

At the Sofa of Madness

Ah! The three-lobed burning eye! It watches me, even as I write th

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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Mrs. Solemnus

Apparently, violence broke out at the 119th Nothern Tier summertime Philosopher's Conference at Lake George, NY, when two bitterly opposed factions came head to head during the panel discussion "What is Life?"

One group, headed up by the traditionalist Dr. Gordon Pffeuffeullhuffer, insisted that there was no reason to modify the generally accepted dictum that life is just a bowl of cherries. However, the other faction, led by notorious philosophical upstart Dr. Helen Abercrombie-Fitch, chose the panel to vociferously advance their proposition that life is more accurately described as a box of chocolates.

Verbal abuse and vulgarities soon descended into out and out physical warfare between the two groups. Although the organizers of the events attempted to breach a rapproachment by suggesting that life might be regarded henceforth as a box of chocolate covered cherries, their efforts were either unacceptable, or simply proffered too late to stem the bloody tide that washed over the conference and forced it's unfortunately untimely end.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Interdepartmental Memo #414

The SF writer Philip Dick, author of much speculative fiction wherein things are often not what they seem to be, was once asked to give a definition of "reality".

What he said was the now oft-quoted line "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

He was only half right.

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

History in the Making

Anticipation and excitement is building as we near the date for BadComiCon; the world's first comics convention devoted entirely to Bad Comics; pathetic art, lame humor, lack of originality and affront to artistic integrity. We expect the inaugural year to be a rousing success.

In case you've been living in a closet for the past six months, let us remind you that this year's venue will be the up-and-coming community of Slagpile, Nevada; home of the largest open pit molibdinum mine in the world. Accomodations are at the swank Gheasley's Motor Court, where we can proudly announce that the source of the seepage of raw sewage into the pool has been pinpointed and is expected to be fully corrected by Convention Weekend. The convention proper will be held in the spacious "back room" of the Rack-em-Up Billiards and Pool Parlor on West Main Street, and "Artists' Alley" will be, appropriately enough, in the alleyway behind the "Convention Center", to take full advantage of the warm, sunny weather of the Nevada Desert at this time of year.

The featured speaker and panelist list is too numerous to list in its entirety, but a representative sampling would be Jim Davis (Garfield), Brad Anderson (Marmaduke) , and George Gately (Heathcliff), who will sit on a panel discussion of "Animals in Bad Comics"; and Brian Walker, Greg Walker, Chance Brown, Dean Young and Jeff Keane (Hi and Lois; Beetle Bailey; Hagar the Horrible; Blondie, and The Family Circus) on a panel discussing the responsibility of inheriting a father's bad comic and having to maintain its low quality and lack of creativity while trying to emulate their fathers' mediocre art.

The keynote speaker will be none other than Cathy Guisewite (Cathy), although the topic of her keynote address has yet to be released. All of the attending artists will be present for a mass ridicule and villification session, after which the convention's "Golden Pisspot" awards will be given out.

As of this date, none of the featured guest artists have yet to confirm their attendance, but those of you wishing to attend are warned not to wait until the last minute; reservations for the twelve rooms at Gheasley's Motor Court are expected to fill up fast. In the case of overflow, negotiations are being held for extra accomodations at the Slagpile VFW Hall, so don't worry about not having a place to stay.

Stay tuned for further announcements as the date draws nearer. Happy Bad Comic reading, and see you at the convention!

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Welcome to Kali Ma's Funhouse.

Realizing that their once-fertile fields of humor have long since gone dry and fallow, several comic strips are reportedly taking a radical approach to re-visioning and re-invigorating their sadly anemic content.

Hagar the Horrible will soon be retitled Hagar the Berserker, and, with a new, hyper-realistic 3-D style, will feature graphic eviscerations, impalings, and defenestrations. Look for Hamlet and Honi to begin a hot, steamy, incestuous, and yet still family-friendly, affair.

Beetle Bailey, taking a cue from the 1990 cult film Jacob's Ladder, will feature the men of Camp Swampy shipped out to the Middle East, where, after being dosed with a powerful psychoactive substance that incites brutal and mindless bloodlust, will make an incursion deep into the bowels of the rogue nation-state of Terroristlandia.

Blondie will be leaving the newspaper comics page, and, posted at a subscription-only website, will, under the title Suburban Slut, feature the erstwhile Mrs. Bumstead frantically collecting sexual adventures with the likes of postal worker Mr. Beasley and wealthy industrialist Mr. Dithers. The newly refurbished strip will kick off with a drug-addled three-way between Blondie and neighbors Herb and Tootsie Woodley.

Rumors that the long-running strip Garfield will be ending with a grand finale of Odie contracting rabies from a sick bat and becoming a frothing, red-eyed killing machine are unsubstantiated.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

and the beat goes on...

Is there any truth to the rumor that famed arch-cartoonist Windsor McKay actually foresaw the advent of Cathy by including a character nearly identical to the one we know and love today in a particularly gruesome nightmare episode of Dreams of the Rarebit Fiend, one that so horrified newpaper editors that they refused en masse to even publish it, and that was later said to have been the inspirational source for none other than reclusive New England writer Howard Phillips Lovecraft, who once claimed (under the influence of a particularly potent brew of Absinthe) that this proto-Cathy character was what gave him the seed of what became his infamous Cthulu Mythos?

Experts are divided on the conclusion. Extant copies of what has become known as the Rarebit Cathy-Fiend Codex are not known to exist, save for strange and persistent legends of pages of them, bound in human skin, and considered so disturbing that simply laying eyes upon them can drive the reader to opiate addiction, glossolalia, and stark raving lunacy.

Calls to the Antiquities Library at Miskatonic University for confirmation have not yet been returned.

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Monday, July 24, 2006

Day Two

Am I on a roll yet? How many days constitutes a "roll", I wonder? Why aren't there gossip rags for our favorite comic characters? Don't they deserve to have their private lives ripped open and served to the public like the steaming entrails of some sacrifical beast? Why only "living" humans? There's something vaguely discriminatory about all of this. I hope Cathy appreciates what I'm doing. "I'm a real imaginary person," she said. "What do I have to do to get noticed by People, or Us, or We, or Star magazine?" Don't worry Cathy. We're working on it.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

And so it begins....

Thanks be to those of you who convinced me to go ahead and post these little tidbits online for the internet at large to enjoy. I started doing these as a personal sort of therapy; desecrating something wholly deserving of my disdain is a great pasttime of mine, and has been since my early days in this incarnation. The only thing that has really changed is that my humor is just a little more bitter (due to a lifetime of disillusionment and disappointment with the nature of reality), and my technical skill at this has been hugely enhanced by the advent of Photoshop. I've come a long way from using an ink eraser to white out pertinent parts of a drawing or photograph to replace with graffitti of mine own.

I will do my best to fly below the radar, as it were, and stay out of the gunsights of slap-happy lawyers looking to crush a simple and honest trashing of someone's excreable art. However, do feel free to share this website with those whom you think will appreciate my humble and meanspirited efforts. We'll run this ship as long as she floats.

I figure I'll play it just like the pros: one comic a day.

I'd like to thank you for being here. Without you, there wouldn't be... well... yes, actually, there would be. But no matter. I'm glad you stopped by.


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